Falling in love is exciting, right? In the beginning, we tend to focus on the ‘best bits’ with rose-tinted glasses. 

“So, what?  He has a few drinks every now and then.” 

“Yes, it sometimes gets out of hand but he’s a social drinker.  It doesn’t happen often.”

These excuses or blind spots are red flags and it is important to recognise the signs of excessive drinking as early on in the relationship as possible, so that you can look out for your own personal safety.

The same can also be said for a couple whose partner starts to develop an unhealthy addiction to alcohol, even long after you have been together.

Why this is so important for women is because of the strong link between alcohol abuse and domestic violence confirmed by multiple pieces of research and lived experiences.

A study by the World Health Organisation found that 65% of women in South Africa had experienced spousal abuse and that partners either always or sometimes used alcohol before the assault, and one in every four women was physically abused by her partner.

Alcohol consumption, especially at harmful and hazardous levels, is not just a major contributor to the occurrence of intimate partner violence, but also a key source of conflict, which can lead to abuse. It causes problems around money, as alcoholics might use the household income to support their habit. It causes embarrassment because of the way your partner behaves in public when he is drunk. It also puts your safety, and potentially that of your children, into danger if your partner decides to drive drunk.

Aware.org, a non-profit organisation focussed on preventing the negative consequences of alcohol says that drinking should be done in moderation. It is important to pace yourself carefully and you should not be consuming more than one drink per hour. Drinking excessively just to get drunk is very dangerous. Your partner may be at risk of developing an alcohol abuse problem when they have more than three drinks on one occasion or when they drink more than seven drinks in a single week.

Alcohol abuse should be one of those Big Fat No Thank You absolute relationship deal breakers but when you are with someone you love and the booze is suffocating your relationship, it’s incredibly difficult to just walk away. Especially if you are dependent on them as a bread winner, you have children together, or they threaten you with violence. So what are your options?

The South African Depression and Anxiety Group (SADAG) offers some advice on how to recognise the signs of alcohol abuse and how to speak to your partner about their problem.

Recognising the signs of alcohol abuse

• The person will often have slurred speech.
• There is a smell of alcohol on either their breath or clothing.
• In social situations they behave recklessly or dangerously.
• Can be involved in frequent car accidents.
• May become aggressive or pick fights.
• Appear sleepy or confused.
• They behave differently, have feelings of distrust, depression or stop doing the things they used to enjoy.
• They neglect their responsibilities at home or at work because they are likely hungover.
• Alcohol is becoming a crutch for their stress or a coping mechanism for some type of trauma they have experienced.

As soon as you start to notice these signs, you need to take immediate action and it is important not to make excuses.

For them, you can:

• Talk to them calmly, not while they are drunk or hungover.
• Don’t cover for your partner, by lying to friends, family or even work. Tell the truth and ask for help.
• Be understanding and supportive, but firm. Alcohol abuse is not ok or excusable.
• Stick with them, if you are not at risk of being in a dangerous situation, and explain clearly what is and isn’t acceptable behaviour.
• Remember, you can only suggest to them what to do and they need to make their own decisions, so don’t nag them to change.
• Offer to go with them to get help, make a phone call, or attend an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting. Do some research to see what help is easily and readily available.
• Don’t bargain with your partner or threaten them.
• Encourage them to believe that they can change and do something about their problem.

And for yourself:

• Ensure you have a safe place to go to if you feel your alcoholic partner will become violent or abusive. Find a safe house, or a friend or family member who you can stay with until you can find longer-term help or support.
• Avoid having an argument or fight with a person who is under the influence of alcohol. Your emotions may be running high but remember, the person is not going to be thinking straight, and chances are, they will suffer blackout from the drinking.
• Know your boundaries and inner-strength and make the decision beforehand on how far you will walk the road with your partner to get help, provided they are not putting you in any danger. By drawing your line in the sand, and remaining firm on it, you will be taking care of your own self-preservation.
• Learn from the situation and find a positive outcome. This might sound crazy, and might take time, but your experience can help a friend, family member or work colleague. As someone whose partner has a bad relationship with alcohol you have first-hand knowledge and wisdom to potentially help someone else.

And finally, when dealing with a problem drinker, it’s important to remind yourself that it’s not always possible to change another person. If you express your concerns about his drinking and they do not respond, you may have to consider leaving the relationship.